4 V: Validate Feelings

Listen deeply and show support.

One of the core elements of a successful conversation is validating feelings. This requires active and deep listening and clear demonstration of support.

Sometimes a person’s emotions may seem to be out of synch with their words. If you pay attention about what you hear and what you feel coming from the person, you’ll likely feel this when it happens.

Validating feelings doesn’t have to be hard, and it doesn’t even have to involve a lot of words. Nodding your head while someone talks and maintaining eye contact when someone is sharing something difficult or vulnerable with you can be very validating to some people. We also have to account for cultural and personal differences in expression, body language, words, and our level of directness during sensitive conversations.

For example, eye contact during a conversation for some people communicates that you’re listening and tuned in. For other people, too much eye contact is uncomfortable and even rude. This is another area where being present is important because it helps us notice what others need us to acknowledge and how to validate them. 

As a note, sharing your own experiences can be validating, but try not to turn the conversation to be about you:

• “What you’re going through sounds very difficult”
• “If I were going through that, I would feel the same”
• “I was in a similar situation, and it was painful”

Sometimes you can do all the right things and still meet resistance. If you do, it’s OK.  If you do meet resistance, it’s important to manage that gracefully. Here are a few tips:

• Don’t push hard if someone is not ready to share. It is most important to keep the door open. 
• If your friend is hesitant to open up, but you are concerned, you can say “I can understand that you may not want to talk right now.
  Do you have somebody that you are comfortable talking with?”
• Stay connected and check back in with them periodically. 

If you are worried about their immediate stability or if there are other signs of a mental health emergency, involve the appropriate professionals such as a local crisis team.