3 A: Ask Questions

Share what you notice and ask about it.

Conversations are successful when we focus on being authentically curious about someone else’s experience, respectful, and being able to simply stay present rather than do something to make everything better.

Here are a few tips you can keep in mind to help with this:

• Explaining why you are concerned: Be as concrete and specific as possible about what you have noticed. Do this by using “I” statements whenever possible. It is harder for your friend to dismiss your inquiry with an “I’m ok” if they are asked to recognize the changes or behaviors you point out. This is also an opportunity to convey that you care.
• Showing compassion: You also want to be sure that you feel and show compassion rather than judgment.
• Listening rather than fixing: The best way to show compassion is to simply listening, for words and emotions, rather than starting to think about how you might fix something. Feeling heard can be very powerful and healing.
• Focusing on keeping the door open: It’s also really important that you focus on connecting and not on forcing your friend to share. The goal is to convey that you care and that you want to listen and support. The most important goal is to leave the door open for connection and conversation, even if your friend does not feel ready to share much about what is bothering them.
• Respecting your limits: It’s important to know and respect your own limits. If your friend’s experiences or what they share brings up confusion or triggers negative feelings, memories or associations, it’s important to solicit additional support—for you and for them.

If you are worried about someone but uneasy about reaching out or uncertain about what to do then you should try to speak to someone in your counseling department or a personal therapist or other campus staff/administrators to express your concern and decide on next steps.

Using the tips above, you can start the conversation in a number of ways. It can be helpful to begin with general and open questions such as:

• “Hey, we haven’t talked in a while. What’s going on with you?”
• “You don’t seem like yourself lately. Can we chat?”
• “You seemed frustrated. Can we connect?”

A few additional tips to consider:

• Ask open-ended questions that don’t have a yes or no answer such as, “What’s going on?” instead of “Are you OK?”
• Don’t minimize what they are saying or feeling by saying things like: “That’s nothing to worry about.” “You’ve got this.”
• Validate their emotions by saying things like: “That sounds really hard.” “It makes sense that you are upset.”