37 The River of Change – Nick Messer

Nick Messer is in his second year at Indiana University East and he is hoping to be a history teacher. Nick currently lives in Connersville, Indiana.  This essay was completed in his W290-Writing in the Arts and Sciences class.  Nick’s professor, Lee Ann Adams said, “This essay is honest and thoughtful; Nick tells a story of personal struggle that is inspiring to anyone who reads it. He worked hard on the editing.​”

The River of Change

It was late October, I can remember this because not only was it cold but I was on fall break at the time. I was a sophomore in high school just like a lot of teenagers. I had my own problems, everyone has their darkest parts of their lives and this happened to be mine. I was at the climax of a darker part of my life, though this day would change my life entirely, helping me forge and bond into a new person.

I was having an exhaustive year at my high school; I had poor grades and was riddled by depression and anxiety. There was so much going on that was beating me down at this time, and it seemed unending. I never told my friends or family at the time, though this feeling was overwhelming. It was like a boulder worth a thousand pounds that couldn’t be moved by any force. I don’t know what I wanted from fall break, whether it was a break or an escape though it didn’t really matter as this continued a couple days in. Oftentimes, I would leave and walk down into the woods near where I lived, it was a public area and I enjoyed it. Usually I wouldn’t go to places like this by myself, though I needed to get away.

The worst of it was here, I woke up one morning and it was almost like I was emotionless as I succumbed to my depression and anxiety. I had no idea what was going to happen this day, I just imagined it getting worse from here as it was going before. I went downstairs to my family getting ready to leave for the store. I watched them leave as the door shut. I had only myself and my thoughts with me. I sat down in the quiet and was just thinking, I can’t remember exactly what I was thinking about. Though I presume it was about my future and just simply negativity.

I was Christian at this time and often prayed for help, though I was changing to be a more spiritual person prior to this. Regardless of this, I never force beliefs on anyone. The things that would happen next was the start of a new life for me. I can never explain how it happened, regardless of if spirituality or religion was connected to this, or if it was even just some type of coincidence, it still helped me awaken to a new version of myself.

After spending some time thinking, I remember looking at the clock, it was 3:33 PM. I wanted to go outside, so I got my hoodie and started through my kitchen to our backdoor. As I headed to the door three birds began to scratch the window and simply look at me. I stayed there for a second as I watched the birds and they watched me. This made me feel better for some reason, I remember thinking that things will start to get better now. I sat on my back porch for a few minutes and felt the need to go elsewhere. I got myself ready to walk down to the woods that was mentioned earlier.

I remember stepping outside to see the leaves were beginning to change shade. I headed down to the woods I would walk in, even though it was chilly I felt the need to get away and just think. I started on the trail just thinking, as I usually do. It was chilly out, though that didn’t matter. I felt almost hopeless in a way. I walked over to a river and sat on the sand next to it, I was looking around watching the wind bring its breeze through the trees bringing in a chill. In that moment, I felt euphoria stepping in, it was like I felt in an instant of what my life could be and where I could go. I remember crying because of how strong this feeling was, the gentle wind and water only strengthened this moment.

Though months’ worth of depression still loomed, I began to walk back wondering what just happened. I told myself “I am tired of this bullshit” and I wanted to change myself. I didn’t want to be sad anymore I just wanted to break out of these emotional chains that were trying to hold me down. I kept thinking about the things I wanted to do and where I wanted to go in my life. I remember how hard it was to break out of the cycle of negativity in the moment, though I would make myself let go of these darker thoughts trying to consume me.

After I got home, I gained an extreme amount of willpower to help change my life. I started meditating to help with my out-of-control emotions. Which it did help and over the next couple of years I would finally be free of anxiety entirely. Immediately after this, I started a diet to try and change my physical life and even started exercising. I went on to lose 80 pounds, within only a few weeks I began to see myself in a better light. I didn’t want to be afraid anymore. I was tired of it, it felt like I was reborn in a way, free to change everything that has gone wrong and in this moment, I felt free to shape my future as the boulder that once held me down, crumbled and fell away.

I can’t explain what happened in the woods, though I became more of a spiritual person afterwards. Today, I am still a spiritual person and use it to help me. Spirituality is mostly a set of values that helped me grow as a person. I would go on to use these values to keep growing. I started to work harder in school and stepped out of my comfort zone to try and shape my life into something better. I began to be more involved in school and got my first job the following year at the courthouse where I live, which was a huge achievement from where I came from. I made good positive friends that would also help me become a better person. This doesn’t mean I was happy and dandy after this moment. I would go through numerous challenges but I would continue to build my future.

Without that day, that would change me, I don’t know where I would be today. I was able to change my life because of one day in the woods. It’s a moment that I will never forget. It was like I was reborn in the moment. Free to make the changes that I wanted to make, and I did it, I was tired of the chains holding me down. I broke free and as my negative mindset tried to hold me back, I said “NO!”