Time of Death

 Time of Death

            The age a daughter is when her mother dies effects the struggles that she is likely to experience. Typically, the ages divide as 0 to 6 being early childhood, 6 to 12 being late childhood, and the teen years representing adolescence (Edelman, 2006).

Early Childhood

Women who lose their mothers during early childhood tend to experience confusion and abandonment. In early childhood, the young girl will struggle to fully grasp what is happening around her. A child may be told that their mother has died but cannot understand what that means because they have no idea what death is. A woman who loses her mother in early childhood may face the unique struggle of the death occurring prior to her developing a memory of her mother. Maxine Harris, author of The Loss That Is Forever explains: “Loss requires some prior relationship… One can experience emptiness, however, when one has only known absence” (as cited in Edelman, 2006, p. 37). Grieving for a mother the daughter never knew is a different experience than other motherless daughters face. Images or objects the child comes to associate with the mother may haunt them later in their lives. Fascination with something to draw the woman closer to her lost mother may lead to detrimental fixations, which can negatively impact the daughter’s quality of life. In their 1997 social work women’s group, clinical psychologists Pill and Zabin reported that each woman in their group “described feeling confused about themselves and their place in the world” (1997, p.188). Pill and Zabin also reported that these women felt confused as they had never been taught social cues or how to apply beauty products. Constantly, the women reported feeling incompetent due to their maternal loss. From the age of their loss, the woman loses the maternal influence of which society expects to teach them how to act ladylike. While some fathers will excel with that task, or perhaps a close aunt or grandmother will, that instant maternal connection is broken. It is not so easily mended. The damage is already done.

Late Childhood

            For the woman who loses their mother during late childhood, a potential consequence is difficulty in the development of an independent identity. As psychologists from Argosy University indicated, being a motherless daughter was a key part of many of these woman’s identities (Rastogi and Bhatia, 2016, p. 28). To connect with their deceased mother, many women would attempt to adapt their lifestyles to be very similar to their mothers’. Some women in Rastogi and Bhatia’s study felt that they had an urge to follow in their mother’s footsteps. During interviews conducted in 2007, some women discussed how their mothers remained an integral part after their death (Schultz, 2007, p. 30). The women reported thinking of their mothers often and incorporating how they would have expected their mother to behave in a certain situation so that they could emulate their anticipated maternal response. Rebecca, one woman interviewed by Schultz, reported the following: “Her death is the defining moment in my life. That is what defines me…I am the girl whose mom died; that is me” (p. 25). Having a primary identifying figure removed from the family unit, the young woman then struggles to discover who she is. If she cannot identify with the mother, she may identify with the death itself. The defining nature of early maternal loss leads to identification with the death. This explains why many young women who have experienced maternal loss in late childhood feel as Rebecca do; they are their loss.

In addition to struggling to create an identity independent of her loss, the motherless daughter may also be very critical of herself. In Pill and Zabin (1997) identified feelings of “low self-esteem” and “unworthiness” as common themes among the motherless daughters that participated in their study (p.189). Edelman (2006) cites a “rigid” view of who their mother was as the reason for the self-critical nature; to be like their mother, these young girls believe they must uphold standards that they have misinterpreted over time (p. 44). Pill and Zabin agree with this analysis, as they indicate that these women feel “thrust into parentified position[s]” (1997, p.189). By this, these young women may find themselves fulfilling parental roles within the home. There, the young women do not feel like they are enough because they are trying to be their mother. Their immature view of their mother as a hero and not a human leads to feelings of inadequacy.

Having lost my mother at nine years of age, I can attest that I personally experienced both of these struggles. For a while, if anyone asked me to talk about myself, the first thing that came to mind was that I was the kid whose mother died when she was in third grade. I was my loss. I still feel that way sometimes. When I was a freshman, I decided that it was my job to live the life my mother did not get the opportunity to live. I decided that I had to be just like her. I had to attend Ball State University to study journalism, be the editor of the yearbook my senior year like she did, and have all the kids that she could not have. It was not until my senior year that I accepted that I could not be her, I should not be her, and she would not want me to try to be her. I had to develop an identity aside from her. I am still working on this. I also identify with extreme self-criticism.  It was always a joke I told growing up that I was my own parent or that my father and I “co-parented” one another. My dad did well, given his own grief and my own stubbornness, but I recognize that he was not perfect and there should not be any expectation that he be.

Adolescence

            As Edelman (2006) notes, adolescence is an important time of development for the daughter. Naturally, she is expected to grow beyond her immediate family and become her own person. However, most women get the opportunity to continue growing relationships with their mother. The step away from maternal guidance is not permanent. For motherless daughters a “temporary separation…becomes an irrevocable physical fracture” (Edelman, 2006, pg. 49). This can create residual guilt for the daughter, which she must deal with for the remainder of her life. She may remember the way she treated her mother as a teenager, perhaps in a negative way because of the natural separation, and wish she could take back the words she said or the actions she took.

The motherless daughter may also experience social difficulties. Edelman (2006) recalls a time her sorority sisters were discussing doing things that their mothers did not know about. She asked to be excluded from the conversation, but her sorority sisters pushed her until she confessed that her mother had died (p. 55). Edelman goes on to share the story of a motherless daughter named Robin. The conversations and problems of Robin’s peers were mediocre in comparison to her own hurt and loss, so she struggled to identify with them (p. 56). Teenage girls often long for strong friend groups as a part of building their new adult identity. Robin reported a disconnect from her friends and a hatred for feeling like people pitied her (p. 57).

Additional Resources

The following YouTube videos are included to showcase the emotional impact of early maternal loss.