Descent to the Red Lights

By Madelyn Blake

Village of Piyagi, Myanmar

 June 23:

Things are not going so well at home. My mother constantly talks about how we have no money. Dad hasn’t been able to find many people to work for, and mom can’t seem to sell enough pastries for it to be worth her continuing to make them. I’ve been looking for a job of my own, but I can’t find anyone to take me. I feel terrible having lived in this house for so long without being able to repay my parents for all they have done for me. I am a failure. No one says it, but I know my mother thinks it. I am so indebted to my parents for all they’ve provided for me and for taking such good care of me. I want to be able to help, but I just don’t know how.

June 24:

Today was my fifteenth birthday, but only my younger sister Hathai remembered. I didn’t say anything to the rest of my family about it. I didn’t want to ask my mom to bake anything for me like she normally does. She’s so stressed about being able to provide dinner every day that it seemed unreasonable for me to request more than just that meal. We normally just have rice for dinner every night because it’s so difficult for my mom to find more to feed us with.

June 26:

I am such a disappointment to my family. Even though I am the oldest child I have not been able to make any money. I try to contribute at least a little bit by helping my sister with school and teaching her household tasks, but what we most desperately need is more money. I know our Buddhist Dharmas teach that there is always a way out of suffering, but it’s very hard for me to believe that right now[i]. I’ve spent so much time recently praying and asking for a pathway to help my family.

June 30:

Something amazing happened today! I went down to the Piyagi village again, asking around for work and trying to sell some of my mom’s pastries on the side. The village is a pretty small area. TIn a few buildings people have set up businesses, but normally there aren’t a ton of people there at once. Some families live closer to the village than we do. It takes me nearly two hours to walk there from my home, and I usually stop by some of the homes and ask if they are looking for help with anything. Unfortunately, a lot of them are in a similar situation to us, and even if they needed me they couldn’t afford to pay me. So at first today I was met with my usual rejections, but I happened to meet a kind woman outside one of the shops who said she was visiting from Bangkok in Thailand. She gave me some of her food and asked what I was doing, and I explained how I was looking for a job to help my family. And do you know what she said? She told me that she had a job for me in Bangkok[ii]! She said she was returning there tomorrow with two other girls she had hired, and she would love for me to join them. She told me that we would be working during the night at a restaurant in the city and that it had a great client base, whatever that means, but she said I would be able to make plenty of money. I’m more than welcome to stay there and work as long as I want, and they will help me send the money I make back to my family here. At first I was skeptical, as I have no way to get from my home in Myanmar to Thailand, I don’t have a passport or any sort of documents, and obviously I’m not a citizen of Thailand. But the woman was so understanding and told me I didn’t need to worry about it and that she would take care of all the travel arrangements and that all I needed to do was meet her in the same area tomorrow morning. Oh, I am so excited! I will be making so much money in the capital there, so much more than I could have ever dreamed of making here. And the lady said that if I perform well enough I can get tips from customers! And the best part is that since I won’t be at home anymore my mother won’t have to worry about providing for me. I will be able to take care of myself there and I will finally be able to start repaying her for her kindness to me. She was so happy when I told her about this opportunity, and I could tell this took some of the weight off of her shoulders. I cannot wait to imagine her happiness when I’m able to send my first check back home. I’m so fortunate that I happened to meet this woman. She seems to be a sort of fairy godmother that I’ve always heard people tell stories about.

July 1:

Today was my first day of travel to Bangkok. It was a bit of an odd trip, to be completely honest. I met the lady from yesterday at the village as I was instructed to do and I got inside a car with her, another man who was driving, and the two other girls she had told me about. We drove for a long while. We passed by all the neighboring villages and towns. A lot of them were small and looked similar to mine. We drove through endless farmland and fields and rice paddies and it seemed like we drove forever. But finally at a certain point in time, we stopped and switched cars with a new driver. The same thing happened another time, too. I asked why we kept changing vehicles but no one answered me. The same lady stayed with us the whole time, though. We finally stopped to rest at a small inn that appeared to be close to Sangkhlaburi after it got dark[iii]. I was exhausted from such a long day of traveling.

Bangkok, Thailand

July 2, noon:

Today we reached Bangkok. I thought I was going to be working with the two other girls, but right outside of the city we had to split up into different cars again. I was very nervous at first, but luckily the same lady continued to be in the same car as me. She’s been so kind to me this whole trip and has given me food and water and has just been so encouraging. I was amazed at how huge the city was. I’d been to worship in the city of Yangon before since it’s fairly close to my home, but even the gold temples there could not compare to this city. I’d seen photos of big cities and skyscrapers before. Seeing that they actually existed in person was incredible but almost overwhelming. I could not take my eyes off of everything outside the car’s windows. There were so many people and stores and foods and everyone looked like they were having so much fun. I’d never seen this many people all in one place before. Back at home in Piyagi there are only a few small buildings and none of them look at nice as the ones here. The streets are never filled with people and there is only one vendor. I know him well, but I can’t imagine getting to know every single vendor we passed by in this city.

It was the late morning when I arrived at my restaurant. It was in an area where the buildings weren’t quite as huge and things seemed to be a little calmer. The city was still fairly busy, but oddly the restaurant was closed when I got there. I was confused at first, but I guess it only opens in the evening and stays open until late at night. The lady took me inside and introduced me to a man named Decha, who will be in charge of me. He told me that he provides housing for all of his employees, which is on the upper floors of the building. Then he showed me to my room, which only had a bed and a small dresser inside of it. It was very poorly lit and there was no window. It wasn’t the best room, but I knew I should be grateful that I even had a space of my own. He gave me a box and said my uniform was inside of it. I haven’t opened it yet but I will before my first shift this evening. For now, I’m going to go get to know some of the other girls I’ll be working with. I’m really nervous, but I hope they like me!

July 2, afternoon:

I’ve just returned to my room after meeting a few other girls here. They all seemed oddly emotional and almost seemed to take pity on me after I said I was new here and that I’ve never worked in a restaurant before. It was definitely weird but I’m still hopeful they will want to be my friend. Some of them were my age and some of them said they were older, in their twenties. There was even one girl who was twelve and spoke so sweetly to me it reminded me of Hathai. It started to make me a little homesick already. One of the older girls asked me how I got “pulled into this.” I asked her what she meant by that and her only response was that her parents sold her to a broker. I had no idea what she was even talking about, or what a broker even was. So that whole interaction was strange. Also, the generous lady who initially hired me left, and after she was gone I realized I never even got her name! I hope I’ll be able to see her again one day and thank her.

So I just tried on my uniform for the first time…it was a lot more lacey and tight and revealing than I thought it would be. It almost looks like what I’ve seen some models wearing in magazines and what some women wear in movie scenes. I felt a little uncomfortable in it, but if this is what my job requires me to wear then I guess I will just have to wear it. I might ask one of the other girls if we’re allowed to put something else on over top of it. Anyways, my first shift starts very shortly so I should probably go downstairs and start figuring out what I’m doing.

July 3:

Last night was my first night working. If you can even call it that. The lady did not tell me what came along with the job of serving customers food and drinks. I wonder if she even knows what happens here. Last night before the place opened I went downstairs and Decha made me clean and clean and clean. The whole restaurant is pretty dirty as a whole and doesn’t look too nice. Even all the cleaning didn’t help much. As I was scrubbing the floors, he told me that I owe him 100,000 baht for my travels and for all of the accommodations he has generously given me… My heart almost stopped when he said that. He said that each customer I serve will be worth 800 baht[iv]. Which means I need to serve so many people before I can even start making money to send back home. And after what I found out it means to fully serve a customer… I don’t know if I can do that. As he was telling me this, and I was sitting there in stunned silence, the guests started coming in. Nearly all of them were men. Some of them would come in groups, some of them would come alone, but there was a fairly constant stream of men entering throughout the whole night. I followed behind one girl for a bit and she helped teach me the process for taking orders and told me to listen closely for certain phrases, which would indicate that the client (she referred to them all as clients) was ready for the next portion of their night. And as I kept hearing the phrases she taught me and seeing girls lead the men upstairs I began to understand the reason why Decha gave each of us our own room.

I only had one client that night. But one was more than enough. I don’t want to think about it. I woke up this morning sobbing after what had been done to me. I’m so scared. I don’t think I can leave since I owe Decha so much money. And he knows my name and where I’m from and if I don’t cooperate he can turn me into the authorities because I’m here illegally and undocumented[v]. I have no way of getting into contact with my family or with the lady who brought me here. I have absolutely zero choice but to continue working until I can pay off my debts to him. Which means I need to have 124 more clients. Some girls say they can serve up to 4 or 5 in one night. I don’t know if I can physically do that. I don’t know if I will be able to endure doing this same thing night after night. But I have no alternative.

July 5:

It’s been two more nights. They have not been any better than the first, but at least now I know what to expect. Last night I was able to handle serving 2 clients. So I’ve made 3,200 baht for Decha. Every day is the same. I wake up in the early afternoon, wait my turn to shower, go downstairs and scrub the place until Decha approves and then do whatever else he tells me do. And then I go back upstairs and get ready. And then the restaurant opens and I serve food and drinks and deal with drunken men until I hear the phrases I dread. But at least hearing them means I am making money. I’m normally up with the clients until it’s nearly dawn and then they leave and I am free to go to sleep for a few hours. But I’m never able to truly fall asleep. I can’t stop thinking about this endless cycle I have fallen into and everything that’s been done to me and my body in the span of 3 nights.

July 11:

I am so exhausted. I still have not been able to fully fall asleep. My body aches. I don’t know how the other girls do it. Most of them are kind of distant and don’t really talk to me.

July 13:
I was able to fall asleep last night for the first time since being here. But now sleeping is no different than being awake. At first, I was dreaming about being downstairs and helping in the kitchen. Everyone was in a good mood for some reason. But then I got pulled out of the kitchen to go serve. And the man I had to serve was Decha. I refused at first but then he grabbed me by my hair and dragged me up the stairs. And I knew I was only dreaming at this point and I tried to wake myself up but I couldn’t. He carried me into my room and locked the door and turned off the light and I heard the sound of him hitting me and felt his hands running all over my body forcing my clothes off and forcing my legs apart and forcing his way into me. And I tried to push him off but he was too strong and he kept pinning me down. And he kept telling me that as long as I refused to cooperate with him he would move me even further away from my family and I would never be able to see them again. I woke up sweating and terrified and I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t stop feeling hands all over me. So I laid there until it was time to get up. But I don’t think I can ever lay in this bed without feeling someone else there with me, even if I’m alone. Two weeks ago I’d never been touched by a man before. But now I don’t think there’s any part of me that hasn’t been explored.

July 18:

Last night the man I serviced was strangely kind. He came alone, appeared to be in his thirties, and told me a lot about himself. I was surprised when he told me he was on vacation but according to him most of the people we serve come from far away to Bangkok specifically to visit brothels. He said he was from the United States of America. That country is so far away. I cannot believe men would fly from the other side of the world to come for this—for me. He told me many of the men I see here are also probably from America, and others are likely from somewhere in Europe[vi]. Some are locals, but most are not. He mentioned the phrase “red light district” when describing the area and said that we are reason why so many people come to this region on their vacations[vii]. I guess all the neighboring businesses are very similar to ours. I wouldn’t know. Decha never lets me outside. The client continued to talk about himself and told me that coming here helps him take a break from responsibility and his job and his family and he feels like he’s in a whole new world. He said being here makes him feel powerful. That was funny to hear because I’ve never felt more powerless. He also said that each place he visits offers its own distinctive experience. Sometimes it makes him feel vulnerable or desired or relaxed. He told me all of this while he was at the bar and then asked if it was his turn to go upstairs. I’d never been asked like that before, but of course I can’t refuse a client. Even in my room he was far more gentle with me than anyone else has been. In a way it was kind of a nice change. I wonder how he felt after being with me. If he felt dominant or emotional or relaxed or if he felt another way he hadn’t mentioned earlier…

July 20:

This morning I realized how much my appearance has changed since I’ve been here. I was already pretty thin and weak when I arrived but I’m incredibly frail now. I have bruises all over my body and my eyes look sunken and baggy because I still can’t manage to sleep. Without the pounds of makeup I pile on each night, I would be utterly revolting. Even with the makeup, I don’t know how anyone could find this attractive and want to be in the same bed with me.

July 21:

I woke up with even more bruises than normal. I was so exhausted and scared and repulsed by myself and what was going to happen to me yet again so I made the mistake of refusing a client after I’d already taken him to my room. So he hit me and beat me until I cooperated. I just hope Decha doesn’t hear about this. If he does, he’d beat me even more.

August 3:

I’ve been here a full month now. I’ve gotten used to how things operate. Night after night the same things happen. I’m no longer quite as scared as I was the first few days. I know what to expect. I no longer flinch every time a man begins to touch me. Sometimes it’s just one client a night, sometimes it’s two or three. I can’t take a night off. I can’t lock myself in my room. Decha makes sure of that. He gets mad if we don’t bring him a lot of business. He always talks about how we are his primary source of income and he is reliant on us to survive. It seems odd to me that he claims he needs us to survive yet is so uncaring.

August 4:

I haven’t gotten super close with the other girls here. Occasionally I will talk to some of them but it’s not often—we tend to keep to ourselves because we don’t want Decha to overhear us. A few of them did help teach me how to make myself look and seem more appealing to men to ensure I can bring in money. Sometimes some of the girls are transported away. We’ll just wake up one morning and find that one of them is gone. No one ever knows where they go, when they will go, or why they go. We just know that if it happens to us, it would be worse to fight it than just to accept it. We heard one girl try to refuse to go and it did not end well for her. She ended up still getting sent away, but with even more bruises to accompany her.

Even though I haven’t talked to the other workers much, I’ve been able to hear a little bit about some of them. All of us seem to be from similar situations—small rural areas in somewhat poor families. Most of them are also from my country, Myanmar, but a lot are from Vietnam too. I haven’t heard of many that are actually from Thailand, but a few are[viii]. A lot of them are like me—Buddhist, and in desperate need of a job to support themselves and their families. Just like I did, they coincidentally met people near their homes who promised them a job in the city and they ended up being brought here. Some of them met recruiters through the internet who offered them a position, and the same thing happened[ix]. I’ve also heard a couple girls say that their family coordinated with a broker and sold them into the job, like the girl I met on my first day here[x]. If anything, at least I have the comfort of knowing my family didn’t do that to me. I don’t even think they know what’s happening to me right now. I have no way of getting in contact with them. Decha won’t let us touch any phones.

August 6:

I just want one night off. One night where my body isn’t used and bruised. I don’t know how much longer I can continue doing this for.

August 7:

I’ve thought about trying to run away but I don’t think it’s possible. The only way out is through the main entrance, which always has someone nearby. There aren’t even any windows for me to try. Plus I wouldn’t even know where to go if I managed to get out. At first I thought about trying to run to a police department, but many of the clients here are policemen[xi]… I can’t even turn to the law for help because it comes here in want of our services. Last night I had three clients and from what I heard, all of them work at neighboring police departments.

August 10:

I am trapped.

August 11:

One girl tried to slip away last night. Decha sent one of our regulars after her. He’s a policeman. He caught her and brought her back in less than an hour. She was punished when she returned.

August 13:

I still can’t ever manage to fall asleep after my clients are gone.

August 15:

I hope my family is doing okay. I hope my parents have been able to keep working. They haven’t received any of the paychecks I promised to send them, because I haven’t made any.

August 20:

I think I’ve become numb to everything going on. I’ve even gotten used to the soreness of my body. The only thing that still phases me is how constantly exhausted I am.

September 3:

A new worker was sent here yesterday. She’s older than me—almost 20. She told me she’s been part of this business for a few years now, which is crazy to me. I’ve only been here for a couple of months but I feel like it’s been an eternity. I can barely remember my life in Myanmar. I asked her how she’s managed to get through it for that long of a time. She said that every day she has to find one thing that makes her happy and focus on that, no matter how small of a thing it might be. She said sometimes it seems impossible to come up with something, but she forces herself to at least try every night before she goes to sleep. I might start doing this for myself. I need something to keep me going from day to day. Otherwise I have nothing.

September 4:

I tried. I promise, I really tried. But no matter how hard I think, I can’t come up with anything. There was nothing good about today.

September 5:

One of my clients asked for my name today. Normally they don’t care to ask for my name or anything about me. They just want a body. But today I was allowed to have an identity. So I guess that would be my happy thing for the day.

September 6:

I got to go outside and take out the trash today during clean up. I don’t get to do that often. So, there. I got to breathe in fresh air.

September 7:

Coming up with something every day is hard. I guess for today I would say for a while I got to talk to a couple of the other girls here who I’m sort of friends with. Friends is a strong word. I’m just a little more comfortable around them than I am with others. But it was nice to talk for a little bit without Decha standing over us.

September 8:

I got a glimpse of a little girl walking by our place today with her mom. She looked so small and innocent and hopeful and full of life. It reminded me of my little sister. Seeing her was a nice but painful reminder of home. It made me sad to realize that maybe I would have looked that same way four months ago. But now I’ve taken on the same characteristic all the girls here share—the youthful light in our eyes is long gone.

September 9:

I suppose coming up with something slightly good about every day kind of helps. In a way it makes me sad that I have so little to be happy about but at the same time it can make me feel a little better, knowing that there are still some things in my life that are good. Even if they are small and irrelevant, they are still good.

September 14, 11 P.M.:

There was a raid. Someone tipped off the police and they came to the door looking for Decha. They came late at night while it was crowded. I was still downstairs when they came in. I didn’t think anything of it at first because I recognized some of the officers who came inside. I thought they were just here for their usual business. Except they were all in their grey shirts and hats and there were too many of them all at once and they acted like they weren’t familiar with the place or with Decha or with me. One of the officers I’ve serviced multiple times was there. I looked right at him and smiled as I normally do to my regular clients but he refused to meet my eyes and walked right past me. And then the clients started noticing the officers and they all started running out of there and Decha was nowhere to be found and I was scared and confused and I didn’t know what was happening. The officers were on their walkie-talkies, holding their clubs and guns out and yelling things to one another. Most of the other girls were just as confused as me but some of the older ones looked happy and even hopeful. There were nearly ten officers in there. Some of them marched into the back and upstairs, some went back outside and chased after the clients, and some went after the other girls and me. They grabbed onto us just as roughly as they normally do but instead of us taking them upstairs, they took us outside and into their vehicles and drove us away. They told us not to be afraid of them and that they were rescuing us. And now we’re all sitting in a room together in the police station. But they won’t tell us anything else.

September 15, 3 A.M.:

I’ve started to piece together what happened a bit more. I still don’t know who or what caused it to happen, but the raid officially shut our business down. The police found Decha hiding in the building’s basement with all of his other workers. Apparently he is in big big trouble. He has to pay 300,000 Baht and I heard he could possibly go to jail for fifteen years.[xii] They say in the morning they’re going to try and get in contact with our families. I don’t know if I can believe it’s real. I’m terrified they’ll just take me right back to work someplace else. But if they’re not lying then I think this might actually be the end. I don’t know when or if I’ll be able to get home, but I know I’ll be in a better place regardless of where I end up. Anything is better than here.

Notes