9 Circumstantial Divorce – Alicia Marin

Circumstantial Divorce

Divorce has and sometimes still is looked at as the wrong option, a sin, and shameful, especially if there are kids involved. One could say divorce wrongfully separates a family and causes more damage than progress to a family. But in some cases, divorce can be beneficial for not just the parents but the kids as well. These cases where families separate can range from slightly bad to horrible on a severity scale, and the reasons for divorce are infinite. In 2019 the leading cause of divorce at 75% was a lack of commitment while something more severe like domestic abuse was at 23.5% (Shaw). Regardless of if the reason behind divorce be financial problems or domestic violence, going through with the divorce can be a step towards a bigger solution for not just the divorcees but any children involved. Whether that be towards better parenting, removing people from a situation, or increased financial responsibility. If a marriage is doing more harm than good to a family, then divorce can be a better option for everyone in the long run.

As stated before, many people think “Divorce is separating a family, isn’t that more traumatic?”, but there are many aspects that need to be considered before assuming a family would be better off married or divorced. The “Six Dimensions of Parental Conflict” is a good way to start looking into the issues of a marriage with children. These dimensions of conflict, which were developed in 1990 by various researchers, are 1) frequency, 2) content, 3) intensity, 4) parent behavior, 5) child’s implication level, and 6) presence or absence of a resolution. For example, the content of the conflict or the “reason” as perceived by the child. If a child feels they are the reason behind an argument or action, then they might feel negative emotions or involvement. As the authors explain, “When the conflict’s content relates to the child, the child may feel guilt and shame.” (Sarrazin and Cyr., 2007, p. 83) which then leads into “children easily become victims of parental conflicts.” (Sarrazin and Cyr., 2007, p.88). This can cause major interference with as child’s development in different areas.

When children are faced with being surrounded by their parents’ marital issues, they tend to adapt to a negative thinking pattern. This causes anxiety, stress, depression, fear, and interrupted thinking, and aggressiveness. All these things can affect negatively affect a child’s emotional security by either shutting down or becoming defensive to emotionally protect themselves. In doing so the child will struggle to cope with their emotions later in life because from a young age they learned that it is better to refrain from showing emotions, to walk on eggshells to not disrupt the cycle of conflict. Children adapt to and learn from their parents’ actions. Psychologist Albert Bandura had created the theory that “[c]hildren learn and acquire behaviors through observation and limitation. By observing the behavioral strategies used by their parents in situations of conflict, children come to imitate their parents’ behaviors. The relationship between both parents is the first significant relationship witness by the child. Therefore, it has a deep influence on them” (1977., pp. 81). That said, when a child picks up on their parents’ action they tend to later act out throughout their childhood and in many cases that will carry over into adulthood.

As previously stated not only does a child gain mental and emotional complications from being surrounded by conflict but they also obtain physical difficulties. Multiple studies that had been summarized in a journal in 2007, “Parental Conflicts and Their Damaging Effects on Children” by J. Sarrazin & F. Cyr, had stated “research has demonstrated that a child exposed to conflicts between their parents of ten shows increased cardiac rhythm, higher blood pressure, lower body temperature, as well as frightened and anxious facial expressions” (Sarrazin & Cyr., p.79). This only accounts for what happens when a child is falling witness to the conflict, in many cases a child’s safety is also jeopardized. It had been found that” “A study conducted by Jenkins, Smith, and Graham (1989) shows that 71% of the interviewed children have already tried to get involved with their parents’ conflicts in hopes of ending them. The same group of children also admits that the more there is severe and frequent fighting between their parents, the more they try to get involved with the conflict” (Sarrazin & Cyr., p.84). Whether that interaction be a simple stop or a step in between their parents’ physical altercation, some type of damage is happening, emotional or physical.

Children also face physical and emotional damage when they’re needs are not met to properly thrive through childhood. Divorced mother Lara Bazelon stated, “Their children benefit because happier mothers are better parents” (2020, paragraph 16). In context of summarizing the answers she got from interviewing various other divorced mothers and their role as a parent before and after divorce. Marital conflict can cause a parent to get caught up in constant conflict and divert their attention from the needs of their children. That said, A child has emotional and physical needs that are required from their parent to efficiently develop emotional, social, and critical thinking skills, this builds structure for the child. Research from various people show “a parent’s depressive state worsened by a conflicting situation may contribute to a difficult adjustment for the child. A depressive parent often has difficulty in responding appropriately to his child’s needs” (Sarrazin & Cyr., p. 82).

Many parents have stated that their children are better off after a divorce. Children will continue to deal with negative emotional and developmental interference when they are falling witness to marital conflict between their parents. Divorced mother Amy Beth (2022) states in an interview: “I don’t regret my divorce, it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me and as hard as it was, also for my daughters. Now, if I could have spared them from all of that and still be a healthy me, I would have. They’re [daughters] going to struggle, I see that, and I feel sad about that. But I also know in the long run they are better because of my divorce.” Amy Beth had provided insight on her personal experience with her divorce and her children and shares a similar observation just as other divorced mothers. Take Lara Bazelon for example, in an article, “Divorce Can Be an Act of Radical Self-Love” Bazelon (2020) states “Sometimes, the healthiest decision is to remove the cracking shell of the nuclear family before the shards embed themselves in the precious little people nestled inside” (paragraph 17). So, within the context of divorce and children, she means, go through with the divorce for the sake of the children sooner rather than later if it’s needed.

This raises some questions such as, what are the specific conditions that divorce would benefit the kids? And how do we even know – isn’t each kid different? And these are great question because each kid is very different, but no kid can properly develop their emotional and physical well being in an environment that is consistently negative. A longitudinal study done in Chicago examined the relationship of parents and children surrounding husband violence affecting marital stability and children’s behavioral problems. The findings demonstrate “The net effect of staying in a marriage with ongoing husband violence is associated with more, not fewer, behavioral problems among the children” (Emery., p. 914). From this study it can be assumed that while each child is different, many develop more behavioral problems when present to violence as opposed to not witnessing the violence.

“Every marriage can be saved” is something that is said to many people who are looking to divorce. Some even go through marriage counseling and individual therapy to attempt and save the marriage. If those who are wishing to divorce have kids, they may hear “stay together for the kids”. Yet a study from data collected from a longitudinal survey in 1998 found that “Children whose high-conflict parents remain together will show greater increases in behavioral problems than those who high-conflict parents’ divorce” (Morrison & Coiro., p. 630). Therefore, divorce was the better option in the cases dealing with high conflict.

Still people say, “Avoid divorce, it will be traumatic for the kids” and some people may also pull the “divorce is a moral sin” card. A divorced mother, Amy Beth Jensen, will tell you that was her story until she encountered a Christian marriage counselor with a conservative background who told her “not every marriage is going to be saved and divorce is a gift, the bible specifically says it is a gift” (paragraph 8). After reflecting on her [Amy Beth] marriage and divorce, these are her thoughts on such: “So, my observation about divorce and kids is that staying together for the kids is not necessarily the best or the right thing to do. They see more than we think, they hear more than we think they do, and they observe more than we think they do.” While Amy Beth’s children were not interviewed, her response echo’s what her children are potentially feeling and went through. Wouldn’t it be nice to know what the children think too?

“Stories of Hope”, a chapter in a book called “Children of Divorce Stories of Loss and Growth” that gives adolescents the chance to share their thoughts on their parents divorce as a child and how it affected them then and now. The main themes presented within the chapter are –

 • Divorces can be civil and friendly

 • Divorces can lead to better parenting, including that provided by stepfathers

• There are many and varied consequences of divorce, but the net result can be positive for all concerned

• There may be a period of great despair but, with work, a more constructive, hopeful period can follow

• A lot of growth can derive from this time of pain and sorrow

• Parents should not stay in a conflicted marriage simply for the sake of the children

A story wrote by a 22-year-old man had said this in his introduction of a statement assessing the good and bad outcomes of the divorce of his parents: “Divorce has impacted my life in more ways than one. I disagree with some of the researchers whom we have talked about in class who say that divorce is worse on a child than the parent remaining in the high conflict marriage. I also don’t believe that my parents’ divorce has ruined my life as some researchers have suggested. I have been impacted in positive as well as negative ways since the divorce, but I believe that it was the right choice for everyone involved overall.” His story really touched on the third and sixth main point provided in the table and in the end shared: “I would strongly recommend that parents NOT stay together in a highly conflicting marriage, especially for the children’s sake. In the long run I believe that this situation would be more harmful to the children than divorce itself. I have these beliefs from my own experience and from many of those around me that I know, and to me that is more representative than statistics.” This quote really shows that despite any negative aspects of divorce, it is ultimately better to dissolve high conflict marriages for the betterment of everyone involved.

A study using the 1988-1994 waves of the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth Child Data (NLSY- Child Development) to investigate children before divorce, during the marriage of their parents, and after the divorce, the disruption of the marriage. In doing this, researchers had to observe families in high conflict marriages, then follow those families who had been through divorce and those who did not in those high conflict marriages. From there they compared the actions and mental status of the parents and children still in the high conflict marriage and the families who had been through the divorce. This study found: ‘”Do Children benefit when high-conflict marriages are dissolved?’ The answer is a qualified ‘yes.’ We found that children whose high-conflict parents remained together throughout our study demonstrated the largest increase in behavioral problems” (Morrison & Coiro., p.636).

There are a variety of things that must be considered along with what was previously mentioned which include but are not limited to finances, safety, and stability of all parties involved. Divorcing with children is circumstantial and “a gamble with relatively high stakes” (Emery., p. 914). A poll in 2015 found that: “82% of those aged 14 to 22 who have endured family breakups would prefer their parents to part if they are unhappy. They said it was ultimately better that their parents had divorced, with one of those surveyed adding that children “will often realize, later on, that it was for the best” (Bowcott, paragraph 1). Even though it is a gamble to divorce without knowing all the outcome’s, most will say in many cases divorce is the best option rather than to stay in a marriage that is making the parent and child(ren) unhappy.

While divorce “separates a family” it can be for the greater good. As previously stated, important things to consider before divorcing with children are “The Six Dimensions of Parental Conflict”, potential external and internal effects on the child(ren) and will this be better in the long run for not just the children but the parent(s) as well. Outcomes from all the previously mentioned sources were all different but there was one commonality, regardless of if the child was male or female, high conflict marriage and/or divorce had and can negatively affect children internally and externally.

References

Amato, P. R. (1986). Marital conflict, the parent-child relationship and child self-esteem. Family Relations, 35(3), 403–410. https://doi.org/10.2307/584368

Bazelon, L. (2021, September 30). Divorce can be an act of radical self- love. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/30/opinion/divorce-children.html

Bowcott, O. (2015, November 22). Children of divorce: 82% rather parents separate than ‘stay for the kids’. The Guardian. Retrieved December 11, 2022, from https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/22/children-divorce-resolution-survey-rather-parents-separate

Emery, C. R. (2009). Stay for the children? husband violence, marital stability, and children’s behavior problems. Journal of Marriage and Family, 71(4), 905–916. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2009.00643.x

Harvey, J. H., & Fine, M. A. (2010). Chapter 4, Voices of hope. In Children of divorce: Stories of loss and growth (pp. 60–91). essay, Routledge.

Jensen, A.B., (October 26th, 2022), Marin, A. Personal interview

Morrison, D. R., & Coiro, M. J. (1999). Parental conflict and marital disruption: Do children benefit when high-conflict marriages are dissolved? Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61(3), 626. https://doi.org/10.2307/353565

Sarrazin, J., & Cyr, F. (2007). Parental conflicts and their damaging effects on children. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 47(1-2), 77–93. https://doi.org/10.1300/j087v47n01_05

Shaw, G. (2021, October 5). These are the 11 most common reasons people get divorced, ranked. Insider. Retrieved December 11, 2022, from https://www.insider.com/why-people-get-divorced-2019-1